A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied

“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.

1 ) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2 ) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3 ) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4 ) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5 ) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6 ) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7 ) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8 ) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out him.

9 ) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10 ) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.

11 ) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”

12 ) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as ‘Mary with the Cherry’.

13 ) Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.

14 ) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.