• No “Hi”, “Excuse me”, or “Thank you”. – Basic manners people!
• “Hey you”, “Boy” (yes, I’ve gotten that one), and “Yo”. – An extension of above.
• “You work here?” – No, I wear the apron as a fashion statement
• While I’m trying to help customer another comes up and says, “You going to help me?” – Of course your worshipness. I’ll dismiss this mere peon and be at your beck and call. If you stood there politely for a moment I’d have acknowledged you and tried to find someone to help but that is obviously something only the plebs would do.
• Hagglers – Look I know everyone is trying to save a buck, I get that. However I do not set the prices. They’re marked clearly and if you don’t like them you don’t have to buy the item. This is not a swap meet
• People that rip through the boxes – “But I want to see if they’re exactly the same” or “I want to see how it works”. First off, ask me and I can probably answer your questions and if I can’t I’ll open the box in a way that we might still be able to sell it to someone else when you inevitably decide you don’t want it.
• People that decide half way across the store that they don’t want a product so they just drop it where they are. – Like I have nothing better to do than hunt all over picking up after you. Either put it back or give it to someone that works here so we can put it away for you.
• Lying through your teeth – No, I did not promise you something at half price. If I had I would have given you my card and talked to a manager first. Nor did I fail to tell you that, lets say, there has to be a roof on the place before we can carpet it.
• Trying to get me fired for not falling for the above – This is just the grand-daddy of all asshole moves.
• People that let their kids act like this is a play ground. – Look, I love kids. I just don’t want them trashing everything nor do I want them to get hurt.
• People that just walk in front of the lift equipment. – These machines are big, brightly colored, have flashing lights, and are loud. Don’t pretend that you didn’t notice them. And if you’re looking for a pay out for getting hurt lots of luck. We’re not talking about a stubbed or even broken toe here. These things weigh more than most cars and can kill you. And frankly, I don’t want you becoming a grease-stain on my conscience.

That being said most people are pretty good and the genuinely nice ones can make the day fly by. I just wish they all were like that.

I’m actually feeling pretty good all things considered. I’ve been reconnecting with old friends, pampering myself a bit, and working on building some self-confidence, which I’ve been lacking for far too long.

In July of 2008, two people met where the young woman saw the young man’s iPhone and asked about it. Numbers were exchanged, planes were caught. For two years, we on Jaiku saw Chibbi fall in love with her prince. A long distance relationship maintained by technology, determination, and true love. In February of 2010, that young couple got married with the intentions of living happily ever after. A true love story that isn’t written often anymore.

The love story has gotten complicated and this is where the birth of their dear child comes in. Known as Chibbigirl and Tankstar first on Jaiku then Twitter, Betty and Andy’s baby boy came into the world August 18. Nicholas is a cutie, and his cheeks are begging to be kissed. But Betty and Andy are having to face something that no one should ever have face. No parents should be dismissed from the hospital, without their child in their arms. Baby Nicholas is in NICU facing serious health issues, in one of the best hospitals of America. Prayers and technology are being relied for his care.

What I am about to ask of you, I’ve never asked of anybody in the entire three years I was on Jaiku and now on Twitter. Jaiku was a huge community for me and I know for many other people. A community of love, compassion, and family. We saw Chibbi fall in love and now we see her taking care of her baby. I and another fellow Jaikuian have set up a Paypal just for Betty and Andy. If we could all donate to these wonderful people, I know that it would be going to two people who need to feel some love. I know that right now, giving them another receiving blanket or diapers isn’t what is needed, but giving them something more tangible is. I feel like this is my gift to them. I am not getting anything out of this, except hoping I am doing the right thing for Betty and Andy.

For anyone who wants to donate, please sent it via PayPal to:

bettyandandytank@gmail.com

It will go directly to Betty and Andy for them to use as they need. When donating, please click on the “personal” tab and chose the “gift” option, as that will not take any portion for PayPal. Overseas people can send money to the USA, so if you are International, please feel free to give as well.

Again, this is for the two people we watched fall in love and start a family. I want to pitch in and help that family even in a little way and I hope you do as well.

“When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”

So the next Sunday, he took the monsignor’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon returning to his office, he found the following note on his door.

1 ) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2 ) There are 10 Commandments, not 12.

3 ) There are 12 Disciples, not 10.

4 ) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5 ) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6 ) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7 ) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8 ) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out him.

9 ) When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10 ) We do not refer to the cross as the ‘Big T’.

11 ) When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, for it is my body.” He did not say, “Eat me.”

12 ) The Virgin Mary is not referred to as ‘Mary with the Cherry’.

13 ) Recommended grace before a meal is not ‘Rub-A-Dub-Dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God’.

14 ) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.

I can believe things that are true and I can believe things that aren’t true and I can believe things where nobody knows if they’re true or not. I can believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny and Marilyn Monroe and the Beatles and Elvis and Mister Ed. Listen–I believe that people are perfectible, that knowledge is infinite, that the world is run by secret banking cartels and is visited by aliens on a regular basis, nice ones who look like wrinkledy lemurs and bad ones who mutilate cattle and want our water and our women.  I believe that the future sucks and I believe that the future rocks and I believe that one day White Buffalo Woman is going to come back and kick everyone’s ass.  I believe that all men are just overgrown boys with deep problems communicating and that the decline of good sex in America is coincident with the decline in drive-in movie theaters from state to state.  I believe that all politicians are unprincipled crooks and I still believe that they are better than the alternative.  I believe that California is going to sink into the sea when the big one comes, while Florida is going to dissolve into madness and alligators and toxic waste. I believe that antibacterial soap is destroying our resistance to dirt and disease so that one day we’ll all be wiped out by the common cold like the Martians in War of The Worlds.  I believe that the greatest poets of the last century were Edith Sitwell and Don Marquis, that jade is dried dragon sperm, and that thousands of years ago in a former life I was a one-armed Siberian shaman. I believe that mankind’s destiny lies in the stars. I believe that candy really did taste better when I was a kid, that it’s aerodynamically impossible for a bumblebee to fly, that light is a wave and a particle, that there’s a cat in a box somewhere who’s alive and dead at the same time (although if they don’t ever open the box to feed it it’ll eventually just be two different kinds of dead), and that there are stars in the universe billions of years older than the universe itself.  I believe in a personal god who cares about me and worries and oversees everything I do. I believe in an impersonal god who set the universe in motion and went off to hang with her girlfriends and doesn’t even know that I’m alive. I believe in an empty and godless universe of causal chaos, background noise, and sheer blind luck.  I believe that anyone who says that sex is overrated just hasn’t done it properly. I believe that anyone who claims to know what’s going on will lie about the little things too. I believe in absolute honesty and sensible social lies too. I believe in a woman’s right to choose, a baby’s right to live, that while all human life is sacred there’s nothing wrong with the death penalty if you can trust the legal system implicitly, and that no one but a moron would ever trust the legal system.  I believe that life is a game, that life is a cruel joke, and that life is what happens when you’re alive and that you might as well lie back and enjoy it.

• Communication: If you and your partner can not or will not communicate you are doomed from the start. It’s hard enough to deal with a lack of communication in a face to face relationship but it will destroy a long distance one. Do not keep things bottled up. Don’t assume your partner just knows what you want or what you are thinking. We live in a world where technology makes communication easier. Don’t discount email, txt, Skype, etc. They are all ways to talk to the one you love.
• Honesty and trust: You must be able to trust your partner and they you. That means no lies, no misdirection. The truth, no matter how hard to say or painful to hear, is better than a lie, which will come out and will hurt worse in the end.
• Never go to bed mad: Fights, while they suck, can and will happen. Resolve them. Do not let the anger and frustration brew. The last thing your love should hear from your lips before going to bed is that you love them.
• Say “I love you”: If you can mean it (and if not why the hell call it a “relationship”) tell the other person that you love them. There are times when the distance seems like too much but a simple heartfelt “I love you” over the phone or txt from your partner can make it seem doable.
• Pictures: Not being able to see the person you love is painful. Emailing or MMSing pictures to each other can take some of that sting away. I know that no matter how crappy my day has been a picture of my beautiful lady’s smiling face makes it better.
• Do “normal” things together, no matter how weird it seems: Go shopping together on Amazon.com, or both of you get take out and have dinner together on the phone. I know it seems really silly but these little things can be great.
• Don’t discount the old fashion: This may seem odd seeing as how I said to use technology to it’s fullest earlier but every once and a while send the one you love a real, honest to goodness love lever. I know that when ever I’ve gotten one from my darling it has always been a wonderful treat.
• Little gifts can mean a lot: Of course you’re going to send Christmas and birthday gifts if you can’t manage to be together on those days but a random Tuesday is a good time to send a gift too. It doesn’t have to be anything expensive, just a little something that shows you care and are thinking of them.
• A good relationship has three parts: Romance, friendship, and sexual desire. Find ways to keep them in balance and neglect none of them.
• Get together as much as possible: This seems like a no brainer but I’ll list it anyway as it is important. Find a way to get together as much as humanly possible. I manage to get out to my love for a few days every couple of months and, while it’s never enough, it stops us from going mad.

These tips are far from everything needed to keep a relationship going but they’re some important ones.

The problem is my life is pretty boring. I work, talk to my darling, and sleep. Thanks to my work schedule I don’t even have time to go out and play with my camera. In addition, writing doesn’t come naturally or easy for me. Even if I have something to say it takes me so long to beat it into something readable that I no longer care about it.

That being said I still miss it. Even though practically no one reads this (and I don’t blame them) it was nice to have a place to just post my thoughts. I have twitter and facebook but neither lend themselves to posting more than a sound bite. I’m not going to promise that I’m going to post more but I’m going to try, even if they’re short posts or barely coherent ramblings. At least it’s an outlet. One thing that will help is I found a pretty good WordPress client for my new phone (the phone will get its own post eventually) so I can compose a post no matter where I am.

The beginning of this year was my normal boring work-sleep-work cycle with occasional nice breaks of hanging out with some friends from work. That all changed three weeks ago when I finally got the guts to admit my feelings towards a special someone. Admit them to her and myself.

She was the unexpected. I wasn’t looking for love. In fact I had given up on it. She has pulled me out of my funk and shown me that life is beautiful and just existing is no way to go through life.

Melissa, thank you. Thank you for showing me that. Thank you for enlightening my life. And, most of all, thank you for loving me.

Death in our culture is always a solemn affair where everyone dresses in stuffy clothes and speaks in hushed tones. The family pays way too much money for embalming, a casket, funeral parlor, hearse, and all the other trappings “needed” to give honor to the dead.

Me, I don’t want all that.

My wishes are simple. When I’m gone I want my body given back to the earth as simply as possible. Stick my unpreserved shell in a hole without casket and plant a tree over me. Preferably an ash but an oak or native maple would do. As for a ceremony, something simple at the grave site if you must (No Judeo-Christian clergy please) then a party. Yes, I said a party. I want singing, dancing, and laughing. I want those that I loved in life to enjoy themselves. Of course they’ll be sadness but I won’t be in any pain and I’ll have a chance to see what happens next. So try to be happy. Have a drink, have fun, and remember that that last thing I’d want is for y’all to mope on my account.